Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The View from Binah

My sister committed suicide on Thursday, April 5, 2012. We were estranged and hadn't spoken in a year. I have been living with unimaginable grief and pain ever since.

Because of the trauma of her death, she was stuck in limbo for a while but some wonderful friends of mine got together and we did a ritual sweat lodge for her. In that makeshift tent in a friend's back yard, I cried and screamed and cried some more and we got her out of limbo and over to the other side. She's doing fabulous and is currently finishing her journey before heading back down here.

Meanwhile, I am broken-hearted and I ache like someone ripped my guts out.

She has explained to me that I need to forgive our mother (I'll save that Shakespearean tale for another post) and find peace with her death and her suffering. I know she's right but I just haven't figured out how yet.

Death sucks. I have never felt this much pain and I can't even begin to know what to do with it. My husband, who lost his father to cancer over 9 years ago, has informed me that it never goes away. You just learn to make room for it.

On the Tree of Life, Binah is the sphere of sorrow. While I have studied the kabbalah for many years, Binah was always a bit foreign to me. Now I get it. What ever brought you to Binah, you know that you are crying into an ocean filled with the tears of all.

For the first time ever, I have real reason to celebrate the Day of the Dead. She loved Starbuck's and I will be taking her there.

I miss you sis.